When I want to consume something right now, I often turn to chips and guacamole, or an English muffin topped with cream cheese and broiled tomatoes. But what is the dish I turn to when I barely feel like cooking because I’m too tired, uninspired, or unmotivated? Often, my go-to is something frozen.

I’ve long held an admiration for frozen food during all of the phases of my life. When I didn’t have much money, I bought frozen pasta with sauce and added frozen or canned vegetables. When I was making a little more, I was bought frozen lunches to work to save time. When I made even more money, I had a frozen smoothie subscription. It was at this point, I realized that frozen food has come a light years since it was first invented in the late 1920’s, to its popularity in the 1950s, and even more since Hungry Man in the 1980s.

“In 2010 — during a recession — frozen-food sales grew 3.1%, according to the Wall Street Journal. Since then, frozen food technology has increased its popularity by including healthier options and more eco-friendly packaging, which allow foods to stay fresher longer and retain more nutrients.”

Eater Staff (2014)

This is where the couch comes in

Where frozen food truly comes to my rescue, however, is the ability to make fast food at home. Honestly, there’s already so very little effort when it comes to getting fast food, but by God, there’s still some effort. I mean, I have to put on clothes and shoes and get in the car, then be in a line behind other cars… sometimes, it’s just too damn much to do.

To me, frozen pizza rolls land in the low effort/quality quadrant of my DIY Yums chart above. The lava-filled, crunchy, and inexpensive pizza roll has long been a staple of college students after a night of drinking, all-nighter gaming food, or a super quick dinner for kids with busy parents. In varying degrees of quality and “close to pizzaness” criteria, no matter your memory, you will likely find yourself eating them at some point in your life.

As I have asserted previously, part of deliciousness is nostalgia. Depending on your experiences, I have had the fortune (or misfortune) never eaten a pizza roll… ever. That is, until I had vegan pizza rolls from a vegetarian restaurant called “City O’City” in Denver, Colorado.

Making food taste good without meat *and* dairy takes skill

City O’City’s pizza rolls were crunchy and perfect as they were, and I did not miss the meat (or dairy) at all. I was inspired to make my own and report my findings to you. Unfortunately, my replication of the recipe failed. I failed on the vegan scale because my pizza rolls tasted a whole lot better with pepperoni added after.

What then does pepperoni bring to deliciousness that I didn’t have in my recipe below? Two major components: Fat and spice.

• Fat: Instead of baking the rolls, I should have deep-fried them. I believe this would have added both the necessary crunch and fat the rolls so desperately needed.
• Spice: This vegan pepperoni recipe, without the tofu, would have given the spice to the mushrooms to evoke pepperoni.

I will attempt this recipe again using the techniques above. But for now, I’m going to sit back and heat up a frozen dinner because it’s just that kind of evening.

Unsuccessful Baked Vegan Pizza Rolls

Ingredients

• This Vegan Wonton & Dumpling Wrapper recipe
• 16 oz. Baby Bella Mushrooms, chopped
• 1 package Daiya Dairy Free Mozzarella Style Vegan Cheese Shreds
• 28 oz. can of diced tomatoes
• 3 tbsp. tomato paste
• 4 cloves of garlic, chopped

Not very vegan ingredients

• Pepperoni

I should have used these ingredients

• 1 tsp. Paprika
• 1/2 tsp. Red pepper flakes (more for heat)
• 1/2 tsp. Fennel seeds
• 1 tsp. Ground mustard powder

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Procedure

Pizza Roll Assembly

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Pressure Cooker Marinara

Plating

References

Eater Staff (2014). “The Strange History of Frozen Food.” https://www.eater.com/2014/8/21/6214423/the-strange-history-of-frozen-food-from-clarence-birdseye-to-the

Four days ago, I had the strange pleasure of eating the worst risotto of my life. While a love of all things rice is my birthright, an almost deifying experience of the classic Italian rice dish came in my twenties. To say my first experience was a revelation is not an exaggeration – it was comfort, love, familiarity, and nourishment all in one. 

Because of a single altering of perception, it would be unfair to judge all risottos after against it. Instead, I take the median of my enjoyment, and most, if not all subsequent risottos met this standard. That is, until four days ago.

To say this particular rendition tasted bad would not be accurate. After all, it had the primary ingredient to construct risotto: rice. The dish’s main felony can only be described as absolute blandness that no amount of salt could rescue. 

If I ordered this risotto at a hospital, where blandness is expected, if not part of a patient’s dietary requirement, it would have been fine. I would have dismissed it as an industrial necessity. However, I was at a well-known, well-regarded restaurant in Boulder, Colorado, where this particular catastrophe was served with a perfectly cooked duck breast. The duck’s skin was as crisp as a bright, winter morning, and beneath that was pink, puffy melted heaven. So, I expected the duck’s ricey partner to rise to the occasion. It did not.

The only pleasure I received from the risotto was the amount of contemplation it generated. What is risotto? What is the bare minimum one needs to make it a passable dish? 

Some would argue it’s the quality of the ingredients; others, it’s the time slaving over a stove, slowly stirring in stock to gently coax starches from the bonds of riciness. I have counter-experiences to both of these assertions. I’ve had excellent, creamy risotto made with inexpensive, easily accessible Aborio as I’ve had with aged, bone dry carnaroli. I’ve also made a fine version in 20 minutes in a pressure cooker as if I stirred for an hour.

After much thought, I have concluded in order to make a cohesive risotto with very little effort: 1) extract as much flavor from your aromatics as possible, and 2) make all other ingredients reflect and reinforce risotto’s main theme: comfort.

Aromatics

For the uninitiated, aromatics include onions, celery, carrots, and garlic. When cooked together, they form the first flavor layer for a soup, broth or stock. Risotto’s magic trick is flavor absorption. As the rice cooks, it takes the flavors from the stock and transforms them into cream. This means the liquid used to cook the rice must be flavorful. 

The Worst Risotto’s aromatics held much flavor promise: onions and fennel. The result of the cook’s treatment of their aromatics that evening was the opposite of flavor extraction and integration. My guess is they steamed the onions and fennel separately and mixed it into the risotto at the last minute. The rice showed no hint of fennel’s delightful anise, and no sign of the sugars in the onions when you sauté them. Meant to form the foundation where other players can shine, the aromatics in the Worst Risotto were cast as nearly invisible background extras, forced to silently watch as the rice died on stage.

Risotto = Comfort

To my second point, any other ingredients must support risotto’s thesis statement: I represent comfort. The Worst Risotto’s addition was Patty Pan squash. Much like the aromatics, the squash seemed to be added without a moment’s thought of what squash delivers: roasted, earthly sweetness. Sliced into uninspired half moon shapes, in slightly more careful hands, the squash could have elevated this risotto into a wonderful, late autumn, post-Thanksgiving dish.

To salvage this experience from my memory, and to truly understand what makes a risotto delicious, I decided to put my two theories above to the test. Using easily accessible ingredients, store bought low sodium chicken stock, and a pressure cooker, the recipe below makes a very passable risotto. Without a ton of hassle or money, you too can make a better risotto than the one I experienced at a fancy restaurant (duck breast optional).

Fennel and Green Acorn Squash Risotto

Ingredients

Extra credit ingredients

• 1/2 cup fennel tops with most of the fronds removed, chopped
• 1/2 cup sliced fennel bulb

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Procedure

Green Acorn Squash

While this specifically describes how to roast Green Acorn Squash, this method can be used with any other seeded squashes (e.g. Butternut squash).

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Extra Credit #1: Fennel-Scented Broth

Fennel, when cooked, is barely like it is when raw. If you’ve ever taken a bite of raw fennel, you would have immediately noticed its strong anise (black licorice) flavor. The most amazing thing about aromatics (think onions) is how they transform when cooked. The sharp claws in your taste buds anise of raw fennel turns into a subtle, purring kitten flavor that you will want more of. Take on this extra credit challenge and you’ll be happily rewarded.

Extra Credit #2: Roasted Fennel Garnish

1. Toss extra credit sliced fennel bulbs in 1 tablespoon of oil, and 1 teaspoon of salt
2. Place them on a baking pan and roast them in the 375 degree oven (with the squash for efficiency) until softened, 15-20 minutes
3. Remove from oven
4. Set aside.

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Risotto in the Pressure Cooker

Plating